i know when God is really trying to work in my life because He sends me the same messages multiple ways in a short period of time. in the past couple of days, i have been bombarded with the phrase "God makes everyone for a purpose." He makes us each the way we are for a reason. And He does not make mistakes. sigh.

i struggle. the biggest, hugest struggle in my life is trying to be a good parent. i want my boys to grow up to be honest and kind and loving and full of joy. it is this last desire that makes me crazy. the oldest j boy is such a special kid, but he's a kid i have a hard time understanding. he is ultra-competitive and cries still if he loses. he would rather not try something than risk failing at it. he is very intense and can also be very distant. my job is to try to let him be who he is. i get this. but it is so hard to let him be who he is when i know that those qualities aren't especially good ones. i asked him what he would do if a friend invited him over to play baseball with a bunch of other boys. he said "it would depend on how many people there were. if there was an uneven number i wouldn't go because the teams wouldn't be fair. the team with less players would lose." i was blown away by this line of thinking. it scared me. how do you overcome a thought process like that?

BUT. i know, and am being reminded, that God made my big j for a purpose. His purpose is much greater than mine. i pray that i can do right by God, and by my very special big j.

amen.

amen.