tonite during a game of monopoly, my kindergartner said "aw, man, that reaks." i said "That reaks? where did you get that?" he said, "school."

it's been a little over a month, and already i can see the subtle differences in him. most of them are good. he's way more independent than i imagined him to be...starting with that first day when he hopped on the bus without looking back. he doesn't mind standing in the rain waiting for the bus, and he never forgets to bring his sweatshirt or back pack home. i'm always amazed at this.
i used to have about 10 jackets in the closet at work, because every night i would forget to take mine home. he remembers things: tomorrow is show and tell, next week he has friday off, in two weeks he's in charge of treats, etc.

tonite we were tossing the football, and out of the blue he's throwing these beautiful spirals and kicking all the way across the yard. wasn't it just last month that he was running away from the ball?

but there are other things too. he doesn't want to snuggle with me anymore, and he says "Mo-omm" when i try to kiss him. he tells his little brother it's not polite to yell, and to please stop whining. he also says things like "you go ahead and go by yourself, mom. i'll stay home and watch the house"

yeah. whatever.

possibly the biggest shocker was getting his school pictures back. i mean, who is that big kid smiling at me with those rockin' little dimples? is that really my baby boy?

i said 'this is a great photo. when you were little, you would never smile for the camera guy. what happened?"

he looked at me all cocky and said, "times change."

they certainly do.

my kids? nope. those are my cousin's boys. i have ONE cousin (crazy, isn't it?), and she is the coolest. she has two boys, and for those of you who know my boys, you'll see how funny this picture is. not only does her oldest look a lot like my oldest, they have very similar brains and personalities. and as for the youngest, our little guys are both full of spit and vinegar. and they really do look a lot alike as well. it's funny how this happened, because my cousin and i live far away from each other and the boys rarely see one another. but she'll call and tell me a story, and most of the time, it's something that just happened here as well. if i only get one cousin, i'm really glad it's her. love you, rock. kiss those boys for me.

this was in front of a Colorado secret, a little place called The Pantry. it's outside Colorado Springs in a town called Green Mountain Springs, very quaint and surrounded by peaks. we sat outside on the patio and ate til our guts hurt. the waitress was a local favorite, and she remembered my friend karen after over 6 years...even knew she liked chocolate in her coffee. it was fun, and sunny and happy. we talked a lot about our future dreams here, and my friend chris has got a business idea that's going to be BIG. It's a fabulous idea, and i can't wait to go there when she opens :)

Colorado trip was big fun with two of my greatest friends. We hiked up The Incline, those stairs keep going past the hill you can see in the photo. It's quite a butt awakening.
The days were sunny, the food was awesome, but nothing beat the magic of being with two people who know me inside and out, and still love me for it :)

Yesterday, I had a teacher tell me that my son is "an unusual little boy." I know this. I've known this for years. As a friend said "he's just more inside his head than other kids."

But somehow, hearing it from a teacher really hit me. They tested his reading and his level is extremely high, and they've noticed that he's got a complexity for numbers. But she said "and yet he also forgets to put eyes on faces he draws or he won't even notice the entire class moving from the front to the back of the room." I had an ache in my gut that I can't explain. I came home and started surfing, looking up things like autism and aspergers.

And then we went outside to play soccer, and I know he's just fine. He runs and he teases and he laughs and he fights and he talks like a grown-up to his little brother. He's just spooky smart, and I don't think people are totally comfortable with that.

Including myself.

This is the hard part, admitting it just makes me cry. But God talked to me about it this morning. I just want my little boy to fit in, because to me, fitting in equats to a happy life. But God didn't make my kid that way. He made him the way He wanted him, and then He gave my son to me to take care of. See, he's not really my kid. He's God's kid. And the message I got was this: "you can't raise him yourself. You need me. He'll be fine, just come to me when you have questions."

So I will. And everything WILL be just fine. And who knows? Maybe someday, my little boy will invent something cool, or find a cure for cancer, or get married and have smart little kids. It's exciting to think about, the possibilities instead of the hurdles.

this weekend i'm taking a flight to denver for a weekend of girlpower with two of my bestest friends. we went to high school together and some of college, and we've watched each other go through just about everything. even though we are miles and miles apart and don't talk as often as we'd like, i know that it's like no time at all has gone by when i see them. i love that i've known these women for over 20 years (yikes) and i will know them 20 years from now.
here's to girlfriends. :)

He really is a wild man.

And for once, I'm not talking about my youngest son. I'm talking about Jesus. I went to this Christian conference on Saturday morning, I've never been to one before and I was a little apprehensive. I was mostly hoping that strangers wouldn't try to hug me, and that we wouldn't have to break out in little groups and do anything wierd. All of my fears were unfounded. Instead, I listened to this cool, sassy Southern woman talk to a 6,700 women about God and faith and her life and His life and just all kinds of things--but the coolest part? She was really only talking to me. The rest of the women might as well not have been in the room. That's the cool thing I've found about God. He talks to me, says exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. It's kinda funny though, because my friend sitting next to me said she was talking only to her, and her life is completely different than mine. Ha.

So the event kind of kicked-started me back to where I need to go. I've always felt God tapping on my shoulder, even when I was a little kid. We didn't go to church in my family, but I knew about God and had a reverence for Him that I couldn't explain. I know He wants a deeper relationship with me, and He's pretty clever when it comes to arranging it. First, He talked me into quitting a job I loved to stay home with my boys and be a freelance writer. Then, suddenly, I find myself surrounded by friends who are all pretty strong Christians--old friends, new friends, blog friends, blue friends (ok, as a writer, I like to rhyme. that just had to be done). I can see the pieces of the puzzle coming together in my life, and it makes me so excited.

Perhaps the thing that was the clincher for me was something that may not seem very strange to anyone reading this. I feel that my friend with cancer is woven into my life for a reason, and that was confirmed for me last night. During the conference, the speaker talked about asking God to show you something specific before you open your bible, and then turning to a page and how the answer is often right there in scripture. So I was babbling to my husband about all of this, and telling him how everything seems to be totally connected through God...and I said "I'm going to test this thing out." (I know God isn't a magic trick, but I kind of knew it was going to work)

So I prayed that God would show how He was working in my life, to kind of confirm that it's all connected. Then I opened my bible. Well, at first I was disappointed, because my hand slipped and was on page 3. It wasn't even scripture, it was just a blank page that said This Book Presented To Carey Grosdidier On August 26, 2002. Congratulations.

I'd forgotten all about it. August 26 is the day I officially became a Christian, my "birth day in Christ". It was also the date we held the cancer rally this year. And I've never felt closer to God than I did on that day.

Coincidence? You might think so. But I know better. He is a wild man.

my 3-year-old has his own room. he just chooses not to use it. instead, he's moved himself in with his big brother. they sleep in the big double bed together every night and have been for about a year. my little guy's famous line is "i'd sleep by myself if someone would sleep with me." they lay in there and giggle and tell stories until they fall asleep, and in the morning, the are all curled up with each other.

anyway, they are pretty tight. the only thing in the world that can really tick off my 5-year-old is when his little brother is upset or hurt. he flies to defend him with a rage that always shocks me. if the two of them are fighting, and i step in to intervene, inevitably i end up the bad guy. they hug each other and talk about me like i'm not even there "she shouldn't yell at you like that. she's being naughty and i'm gonna tell dad..."

so i was worried about what would happen when my big boy went off to kindergarten. what would the little guy do all day without his brother? it's funny how life works itself out. my kindergartner is so pumped about school every day--he gets himself ready with an eye on the clock the whole time. he's very concerned about missing the bus, so he's out there at the bus stop a good ten minutes before he needs to be. the funny thing is, you can see the bus coming from about a mile away, and he could just walk out there and make it in plenty of time. but he's pretty serious about schedules, so he runs out and waits. meanwhile, the little guy watches him and waves. as soon is the bus is gone, he revs up. he's come to realize that on the days i'm not working he gets ALL THE ATTENTION to himself. every last drop. it's his time, and he is my little buddy. he loves to help me clean, shop, cook and the kid can swing for hours. on his preschool days, he's totally psyched to go to school too. he goes out and gets in the car even before i'm ready. i guess he grew up the same day his brother did, which really surprised me. there must be something magical about that big yellow school bus.

for those of you wondering how kindergarten is going, so far so good. i don't get a lot of the detail i want out of the day. he tells me his favorite thing is recess and that they get chocolate milk on friday. i ask him all kinds of questions, and he's pretty vague. he gets that from his father. so i'll wait for the parent/teacher conference with anticipation, to see how it's really going. is he a good boy? is he kind? does he have friends? does he pay attention? but really what i want to know is:

did i do an ok job????

"so, where are you from?"

"well, i'm originally from colorado, but i live in south dakota now..."

that has been my standard reply for over 20 years. you see, i moved to south dakota when i was 14 years old. and every time i go back to colorado, i'm struck by the awesome beauty of the rockies. i always, always want to move back...partly to be closer to my family, but also because i love that lifestyle so much. the ponytailed women with muscular runner's legs, the happy dogs hanging out in the downtown shops, the smell of the air and the taste of a cold beer on my mom's back deck. i almost always come home depressed. i look in the colorado real estate guide for a few weeks, until life takes over and i forget that south dakota isn't so bad. not only is it not so bad, but right now, south dakota is a pretty hard place to beat. it's so green and beautiful here, with the endless rolling hills and blue skies. i love the fall sunsets and the big harvest moon that comes up behind the fields in our back yard.

so where am i going with this? well, i was driving today, and it struck me that this state will probably always be my home. i used to think someday we would pack it all up and move to the mountains...that my husband would feel the pull of the rockies as strongly as i do. but now, with a kid in school and good jobs and a life in our little town, i think it's time i turn a corner in my head. this really is my home. i've lived here for most of my life. it's where i got married, and it's where my kids were born. south dakota is where i'm from.

i can't believe it took me this long to say it.