today was another day on the ice. actually, my whole weekend has been on ice, starting with practice and my nephew's game last night, my son's scrimmage this morning followed by my little nephew's scrimmage and then my big nephew's game. but i digress.

the point of this blog is the little skater who has stolen my heart. he's the smallest guy on my 5-year-old's team. his name is eliah and he is four. when hockey started this year, eliah went to the learn-to-skate program and told me matter-of-factly that he would just watch, thank you. we got him on the ice and he slowly walked to the wall and clung to it for the next 45 minutes. he wouldn't budge, but he asked me if i would like to hear him sing a song. he sang twinkle twinkle little star.

we kinda got to know each other, but i never knew eliah's last name until he put on his hockey jersey at the first real practice. when i saw it, my eyes filled with tears. so THIS was the little boy who lost his 'famous' daddy last summer--the daddy who was a hockey stand-out and a beloved varsity coach. i glanced at his beautiful young mommy, holding eliah's little sister, and felt the lump well up in my throat. how hard was it for her to be here, in the hockey rink, sharing her husband's sport with their little boy...alone. i just know they used to talk about it when he was alive...him teaching eliah how to skate and coaching him and fitting him into that first jersey. my heart hurts over stuff like this. i don't know how people go on, i really don't.

eliah hasn't been skating for the past few practices, and he didn't come to the game today. i missed him. when i got home tonite, there was an email from his mom on our computer. she explained that hockey is just too hard right now, and maybe eliah will try again next year. i'm pretty sure she meant "hard on me" rather than "hard for eliah." i wrote her back and told her we'd miss him, but we totally understood.

how is it that people you don't even know...may never see again...can completely touch your world? i say a prayer for eliah and his sister and mommy almost every night. i hope it helps.

i've been shooting harley-davidson commercials for the past few days. and i'm sold. not even so much on the bikes--which are gorgeous and powerful and just plain cool. i'm totally, completely sold on the people who ride them. i love big, burly, bearded men with grizzled faces and arms lined with tattoos. i love women who laugh too loud, call me honey and have the confidence to get off the back of the bike and onto the front. these are cool people. they call fellow harley riders "family." they ride for charity. they love the feel of the sun, the smell of the rain and the sound of a v-twin engine (see, i even learned a thing or two). i found myself mesmorized by their stories. one of the sales guys--his silver hair in a ponytail down to his waist--was so excited to show me "his" bikes it was like talking to a little kid about christmas. i wanted to hug him. and i really, really wanted to hug the gruff guy in the back--the guy with the long beard and the soft blue eyes. he reminded me of my dad.

maybe that's why i loved this shoot so much. deep down, i am a mountain man's daughter. i don't belong in fancy social circles. i don't even like them. i'm much happier hanging with the harley rider's and the cowboys, the coal miners and the good ol' boys. i think my dad would be proud to hear me say that.

i know that i am.

My husband's been on a skiing vacation all week. Tonite my son asked "did daddy go on vacation with his girlfriends like you do?"

Um...let's all hope not.

Happy weekend ladies. The big man just pulled in the driveway. Hope he left the girlfriends in Big Sky.

it's 11 pm. my brain hurts. my eyes hurt. i'm dead dog tired. i just want to turn off this stupid computer and GO TO BED. but i can't stop myself. i haven't read the blogs for 3 days, and who knows what i could be missing? what if susan's tennis partner is really a man? what if bobbi's cats are finally talking to one another? what if chris posts a picture of her hair??

oh, what have i become?

"...he interacts well with others, but does not initiate the contact. He would rather work and play alone..."

the kindergarten report cards came out yesterday. again, i worry. i'm an outgoing person. what is it like to "rather work and play alone?" sigh. why does it make me so sad?? i have to remember that my son is not me. he's someone so completely different than me, and yet in many ways he really is the same. he's pretty sensitive like his mom. he has a temper like me (yes, really) a very strong will (yep again) and i actually do really like being alone, like him.

part of me knows his teacher is busy, she's got all these other kids to watch after...she doesn't really KNOW him. she doesn't get to see his goofy side. she doesn't get to snuggle with him, or see him raise his hockey stick with pride after scoring a goal. she can't see him right now, upstairs with a friend, laughing and playing. she sees the kid who is a little bit bored with kindergarten, who decides to just dissolve into his own head rather than read along with kids who are only learning to sound out their vowels. i know that he has a way of disappearing, even when he's sitting right in front of me. this is what she sees. and i just can't stop the mama bear...there was something about those words "he would rather work and play alone" that just BIT ME. does she think he's a freak? does everyone? and WHY does this bother me so much????

it's not right. i really really need to get over it. i know that God is the only one who knows how to help us both get through this. i see years and years of heartache and struggle ahead between two very strong-willed people if i don't just let him be him. he's not me. he never will be.

that was my own little pep talk. thanks for listening.

that last post reminded me...i am in love with the geico caveman commericals.
check them out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZrjr4A-ASQ

you know those commercials where the guy is working with a bunch of monkeys? i totally know the feeling. working from home, my main co-worker is just a little over 3 feet tall.
our office snack consists of freezies or fruit roll-ups that tattoo your tongue. my morning and afternoon breaks sometimes last over an hour, and involve coloring, wrestling or playing candyland.

so really, it's a lot like working in the ad world. :)

i have become her. the hockey mom. the lady who loads up her explorer with bags bigger than her body, with boys who are not my own, with plenty of snacks, gameboys and gameboy batteries for the road. i drive 80 miles twice a week for practice, and sometimes again for scrimmages on saturday. i get to listen to little boys talk about butts, tooting, spiderman, super mario ( did i mention tooting?) for the entire 80 miles.

when we get to the ice arena, a FROZEN metal building full of steel bleachers, concrete floors and ICE, i spend approximately 20 minutes on my hands and knees putting hockey gear on wiggly little boy bodies. we're talking chest pads, elbow pads, gloves, shin guards, hockey socks, breezers, sock belts, skates, jerseys, helmets and mouth guards. skates gotta be pulled extra tight. ears can't be bent inside the helmet. socks will fall down without the sock belts. it's all very, very complicated. i had no idea that hockey was such an exhausting sport. i'm seriously sweating by the time i'm done getting them dressed.

then the little dudes take to the ice. my husband happens to be called Coach out there, and he's got about 20 buddies who think he rocks the world. you can tell the kids who don't have daddies in their lives, they're the ones who follow him with hungry eyes and linger just a little longer than the others. as i watch them skate, i realize the important role coaches play in the lives of our children. their words can seriously make or break a kid. as a bona fide hockey mom, i'm glad my husband has taken on the title. watching those boys skate with him makes the 80 miles, the frozen building and the insane amount of gear worth the trip.

being a hockey mom is cool. but being a hockey wife is even cooler.

so yesterday i'm running errands with the j boys. about halfway through my day, i realize something funny. when i'm holding both their hands across busy streets, or in the mall or a parking lot...I always have my left arm way out front, trying to pull my "leap before i think" little guy back. And my right arm is stretched behind me, pulling my "study before i step" big kid forward. we are never lined up in a row, side by side, like the families in the movies. i'm always pulling one back, and the other forward, trying to maintain my balance somewhere in the middle.

the scariest thought to me...the one that can bring tears to my eyes if i think about it...is what happens when the time comes to let go of their hands?

will the little guy remember that life can be dangerous, and to watch out as he's running headfirst into it?

will my big guy just get lost in his own little world, too absorbed to be a part of the bigger picture?

and what will happen to me, when i have to let go?

i have a feeling i will still walk around with my left hand forward and my right hand back...just in case.